I am not trying to win any more. When I was younger I think I saw life more as a game. But now all I want is true connection. I want to understand things. And to see things clearly, not through the filter of my own idealism and projections. I am not scared anymore. Truth and sadness purified my soul. I want to be a good person.
One thing that is very hard in life is that you need to live like you could die tomorrow, but you also need to live like you could live to be a 100 years old, because both of them could happen, and you have no way to know. So you need to live so you would be happy even if you died tomorrow but also so that you would be happy if you live to be a 100 years old. And finding the balance between those two things can be pretty hard I think, do you know what I mean?
I just found some moss in my hair..
I feel kind of lobotomized after the weekend. but it was a very fun one. I met a lot of people who I like very much and there was everything nice that one wants from a weekend, and even though there was some drama and we joked it was a lost weekend I didn’t feel lost at all … one could actually say it was a found weekend …… jk jk
on the Saturday Paula, Ella and me rented a car and made a break from the city. we listened to music in the car, we bought some different weird new sodas and Paula bought cookies and we saw Swedens first brick building. It is a monestary church from the 1200s and the founders were still in their iron caskets in a crypt fully visible underneath the chapel, count Orlok style. then the sky behind the castle turned completely pink and the lake reflected it, we found an orchard with very old and small apple trees where we ran around and then rested. It made me so happy. here are some pictures.
I have a feeling and that feeling is like the butterfly that lands on the finger of the anime guy in that meme you know. It hasn’t got a name yet but it’s beautiful.
I am blogging from Ellas bath tub. She has this lovely Finnish tar schampoo, it smells like Lapsang Souchong tea, which always reminds me of my friend Erik. I love friends and bath tubs. Me, Ella and Susanna have been sewing stuff on the floor of her living room and we put on dirty dancing on the projector. best movie ever. Every time I see it I think about how fun it would be if one and all of ones friends could dance like that, how fun every party would be. But one probably wouldn’t get anything done. Also I always think about how Patrick Swayze has a childish mouth, which in juxtaposition with his masculinity makes him beautiful. Pete Doherty and Anthony Andrews also has this kind of mouth. I have a list in my head with mouths like these.
I heard the ice cream truck again before. It was right outside and I ran out and bought us some ice creams, they were a new kind, the flavor was of a Swedish pastry called dammsugare. The ice creams were green and brown. They were really good. Ella and Susanna liked them too. It’s so fun to buy ice cream from the ice cream truck. I feel like I have to do it every time I have the chance, to support their cause, i don’t want them to go out of business and stop existing, I don’t want to live in a world without the ice cream truck. This summer it came and parked on a street where we were sitting and drinking beer and I bought a package of ice creams and I wanted everyone that was also at this cafe to have one but no one wanted one? Except Paula and Susanna. So that was dissappointing. Also maybe even Paula couldn’t have one because I probably accidentally bought ones with peanuts in them, which she is allergic to, and I am constantly unwantingly trying to kill her with things containing peanuts.
Now I will get out of the bath tub and talk to Ella. Xx
Good morning. I feel all soft inside my heart today. It is a good feeling. Today, I shall just walk to the bus stop and sit there until the bus comes even if it’s in 20 minutes. I want to go by bus today, not the metro. I don’t want to be underground. I want to see everything and listen to music. I really wish I could be on a bus or a train all day and that you would be there too. I don’t want to talk just want to sit in silence and organize my playlists. Maybe that’s what I’ll do this weekend. Just pick a bus that has a nice route and just sit there all day while it goes around and around town. I just love listening to music in a moving vehicle. It’s the best thing in the world. I can’t wait til I have my drivers license.
hello… do you want to know whos a little bitch? YOU are!!! just kidding.
i had this dream the other night that i walked into the bar of “The Ralph Lauren Polo Club” and i sat down by the bar and asked for a whisky. The bartender said didnt I want a dark beer instead, a Guiness or a Porter? I said, do you think its too early in the day for a whisky? and he said no no no and laughed it off, but still I got a porter instead of a whisky, which happens to be my drink of choice.
Then, I was suddenly Lena Dunham in girls, but still in the bar, and I was there to secretly write something problematic about the bar, but instead I reconnected with my (Lena Dunhams) ex Jack Antonoff. Jack Antonoff was throwing basketballs on a grassy hill (still in the Ralph Lauren Polo Club) and told me/Lena to throw myself on the basketballs and roll down the hill. This seemed like something they used to do.
I then reflected on how I, the real me, is scared of basketballs and could not have played that game and i was conscious of how I was not Lena Dunham, I was just someone else in my dream.
when I woke up, I asked chat gpt to analyze this according to jungian dream theory and it said about the bar and the drinks that whisky represents maturity and strength while guiness/porter is heavier and more down to earth. The bartender is steering me away from the whisky and I ask him if its too early in the day. It says that this could be an inner conflict between wanting to take myself seriously (whisky) and being more anchored in something robust and steady (guiness)… i dont really know about this. i see no conflict between these two. i think i can have my whisky and drink my porter too, you know.
this is like the fifth time in a row I am someone else in my dreams, even though Lena Dunham was new. chatty says this could mean I am reshaping my identity and that I am searching and exploring different roles in life. this seems true
i have been hearing and seeing the ice cream truck all the time lately. I used to only hear it once a week and it used to make me really feel something. but now that i hear it every day its not that special anymore… but im happy it still exists. shine on you crazy diamond
