stevie knickers

hi how are you? i hope you, whoever are reading this, are good, rested and warm and that you can rest and get some energy for the new year we have ahead of us.
i have now seen almost all the seasons in this forest, the forest that is the path between me and my bf. the only season I havent seen here is now spring. I cant wait.
i dont know how 2025 was for you, but for me it was a really intense and transformative year, like introspective and also, really existential in so many ways. i feel like it has been like a coming of age-year for me.. i had some really big changes in my life! on the inside, and on the outside. which was all for the better. but change can be really painful sometimes u kno..
it still is existential bc i am thinking a lot of how to survive and support myself doing what I want to do, how to actually live. it is really boring to think of, but i think it is a sign i am becoming a more responsible and grown up person, which, if you have been reading, i have been going on about all year, project real life and all that about killing the manic pixie dream girl inside. i have been working a lot, at so many different jobs, but also working on myself like mentally hehe. i have become aware of my own patterns, which is good, but also painful, and i think i have been pretty hard on myself trying to change them. but it is hard when the very qualities that gets you into trouble is also kind of what makes you alive as a person. ugh i feel like im writing the same blog post all over again every time. all im saying is im trying to find balance i guess.
i think i need a small victory of some sort to get back on track and get my creative confidence back. i kind of fell down in a tunnel of self doubt in the end of the year, i am doing my final year at my BFA at art school and we had this big examination in december that was supposed to be like one part of our project, and i had been working on this really big vessel, and had a little video work with it, and then you had to hold a speech of 7-10 minutes on your work in front of all the teachers and the first- and second-years and your class. I said I am looking for God in all that is beautiful, and that beauty is existential and bla bla bla and also about the element of earth and then my teachers failed me. The reason was they were confused by my speech, they said, especially about the god and beauty existential stuff and it was hard to connect it to my work. Sadly, I handled it terribly. I got very angry, then sad, and started arguing with them. I was like, if i was an artist 100 years ago that talked about searching for God in Beauty, nobody would raise a fucking eyebrow. They said I am using such big words, and such fantastic words and one teacher actualy said “such fantastic worlds, and we cant be a school of fantasticness” (but in swedish, i dont know how to write it better)… Isnt that depressing? Also, the whole ordeal, and my own reaction, made me feel really stupid. It really reminded me of being a child. A child using to big words, that I couldnt make myself be understood, It made me feel naive and stupid. It makes me wonder how I come across. And then when I become upset, I feel even more childish. And I guess that was painful to me because I have been thinking so much about being an Adult. Also, of course it is painful when you are talking from your heart about why you are even doing art and are being vulnerable and then your teachers say they can’t see that in your work.. also, i was a bit over-worked and tired.
I am not a child, but I am, in this situation, a student. So I just have to hear them out and listen to what they say so I can get my degree and finish school and then I can say and do whatever I want. All i have to do to pass is change my speech. Anyways, I think it is smarter to take out the God and Beauty stuff because to some people, and especially of certain generations, those words are very charged, and they get super hung up on them. Another teacher at my school recently said that Beauty is the most taboo word in the art-world right now. Bla bla bla. I need to get back up on the horsie and try to learn from this failure, and now after some weeks of rest, reading, laying in my bfs bath tub and watching lord of the rings i think I am ready for that. my favourite character in LOTR is arwens dad Elrond, I think he is funny but also a really good dad and father in law to Aragorn. My favourite scene in all the movies is when Elrond gives Aragorn the sword (erendir?) and then makes him go into the mountain to get that OP ghost army that are cursed. i am sorry for not writing for a while and sorry for rambling as usual when i do, but its my blog I can do what i want to. how was your 2025 and what are your hopes and dreams for 2026? lots of love from snowy sthlm

Hello hello hello! I am alive. Barely. Fall entered with a huge reality check sandwich that is choking me from the inside. But actually, I have been trying to stop living in my delusional dream world for a while now. It is a work in progress. 

Why is it so hard to live in the Real World. Why is it so hard to wakey wakey? When will I become a Real Person????

Lately I have been pretty stressed out. Had a new life crisis. Bought small post its and sharpie pens. I hope the post its will fix my Life. I write everything I need to do on them and list them according to urgency in three different categories. I think it is working. 

Everyone is stressed and everyone is feeling bad. I feel like I haven’t seen my friends in weeks, and I miss them. Only Ella is good right now I think. Susanna lost her whole bag and her computer and her diary and sketch books and I am really impressed how she handled it actually it was truly inspiring. But I haven’t been that fun to be around lately. I have been plagued by enormous self doubt and a huge fear that my life will amount to nothing and that I am not able to do what I need to do or make the changes I need to make. I wish I was better at practical things. I also wish I didn’t have to work so much now that Im doing my last year at my BFA. But the post its kind of works I think. Also I think I have been pretty hard on myself with project Real World. 

Anyways…..

Me and my friends talked about something when I saw them like three lifetimes ago. We talked about that, when you really like someone, you kind of cant picture their face?? It’s like when you are not with them, you cant see in your head what they look like. It’s like when you are actually near them, the senses are overwhelmed by taking in every little thing and all the parts really intensely so afterwards you can’t really see it as a whole. Because the whole is obscured by the impressions of the parts. And that’s why you want to look at pictures of them all the time and have to go look in your phone because you need to see what they look like because you actually don’t know or at least your brain doesn’t know how to describe it to you because it is so overwhelmed. Do you know what I mean??

Anyways

Anyways 

Anyways 

I hope u are well <3

everything I got today at the market in Jerevan

A metal chain belt with round ornamental shields

Tea with mountain herbs and flowers

Armenian wooden cross made by a woodworker, to put over my bed

A holder for incense and charcoal, shaped like a pomegranate

Incense

Charcoal

A small wooden bowl and spoon for salt

Wooden spatula, ladle and fork

Mountain thyme and mountain mint to make special tea from, called ”urts darts”

Translation:

-It’s like coming into the forest from another direction.
-What forest?
-Love… You come into the forest from a new direction every time, for every new person that you love.
You see the old trees in a new light.
And you see new trees, and you see more and more trees.
You dream of one day finally seeing the whole forest.

This is from the swedish film Love 65 by Bo Widerberg, he (Bo Widerberg) also wrote the script. I just think this analogy with the forest is so true, its something I have been thinking about but never been able to put into words so it really struck me. That really is how it feels

theres this big field in stockholm called Gärdet and apparently there is a tradition of people gathering on a day every year and flying kites there, to recreate a scene in the movie. I didn’t know this. This tradition was started by students at the art school Im going to and this year was the 60 year anniversary, so it must have started same year as the film came out (in -65). I only found out this year, and I wanted to make a kite with my friends and go to this thing but didn’t have time cause it was the same weekend as the play I was in premiered.

maybe next year. I wonder if its hard to make a kite. I want my kite to be playing card-inspired.