-It’s like coming into the forest from another direction. -What forest? -Love… You come into the forest from a new direction every time, for every new person that you love. You see the old trees in a new light. And you see new trees, and you see more and more trees. You dream of one day finally seeing the whole forest.
This is from the swedish film Love 65 by Bo Widerberg, he (Bo Widerberg) also wrote the script. I just think this analogy with the forest is so true, its something I have been thinking about but never been able to put into words so it really struck me. That really is how it feels
theres this big field in stockholm called Gärdet and apparently there is a tradition of people gathering on a day every year and flying kites there, to recreate a scene in the movie. I didn’t know this. This tradition was started by students at the art school Im going to and this year was the 60 year anniversary, so it must have started same year as the film came out (in -65). I only found out this year, and I wanted to make a kite with my friends and go to this thing but didn’t have time cause it was the same weekend as the play I was in premiered.
maybe next year. I wonder if its hard to make a kite. I want my kite to be playing card-inspired.
i am home and sick which i have been for the last couple of days 🙁 i am lying on my bed listening to summertime sadness by lana… vibes. i think i got sick because i have been working like a london child during the industrial revolution for the last 7 days. my room is full of vases with dead flowers, candles, books and hair pins. at least today I dont have a fever! but i kind of miss the fever tbh.. was kind of vibing with being delirious and drifting in and out of sleep. also having a fever always makes me feel like im in wuthering heights. i love wuthering heights. there are so many movie adaptions of it, but like a month ago me and ella watched the one with Ralph Fiennes and Juliette Binoche and I think its the best one. it doesnt shy away from how fucking dark the story gets. and how its about two really selfish and twisted mentally ill mfs. wuthering heights is sooo emo, like Emily Bronte was sooo emo goth girl, the whole story is like a fantasy of HOW evil your bf would get if you died because he loves you so much. im just kidding its so much more than that but its deffo a big aspect of it, its also really so much about power, humiliation, possessiveness, class, etc… i had a really great theater experience with a swedish theater group called poste restante that put up their own verison of it called wuthering wuthering heights here in sthlm and it was amazing bc it was like you were at a wuthering heights convention almost and they really had highlighted the kind of power play / S&M /BDSM aspect of wuthering heights, you could partake in acting out different scenes from the story and wish what you wanted to explore in the scene and who you wanted to be, i got to be cathy and feed heathcliff a berry like he was a dog and humiliate him in front of my “husband”, some people got to be buried in a coffin, or be cathy when she is dying and cant leave her bed and heathcliff has his freakout. it was great. the one scene i wished for was being either cathy or heathcliff playing on the moor, it was the only happy scene, and me and this other person lay on the “moor” and fake fog was everywhere and we had on headphones and listened to the same song, it was a slowed down and reverbed version of kate bush’s wuthering heights, and we were cathy and heathcliff, and we were lying next to each other and playing with our hands in the fog. it was the last time they were happy. made me cry.. i love in wuthering heights when cathy says “whatever souls are made of, his and mine are of the same stuff”. and when she says something like “my love for linton is like foliage in the trees, time will change it im sure. but my love for heathcliff are like the eternal rocks beneath. Nelly, I AM HEATHCLIFF” … and also when heathcliff asks cathy to haunt him…. also….
also we got to go in a costume room and put on whatever we wanted and i found this really great nightgown and a bonnet, and then they taught us all the moves to kate bush’s dance in the wuthering heights musicvideo and we all went in a room that was filled with fog and they played the song really loud and everyone danced the dance!!!
i was so into it cause i love both the book and the song and music video as well as the book wuthering heights. and like, the song, that kate bush wrote when she was only like 17, made me get the concept of Plato and his “world of ideas” or forms. which i had never really accepted until then, i really rejected that idea. but then, when i discovered kate bush and her song, after i had read the book in high school, i finally got it. because, like okay: so emily bronte came up with this story, she invented it, its her idea. and i love the book. but once the idea of that story is born, is out in the world. and then kate bush approaches that idea, and she makes this song – and her song actually comes closer to the essence of what wuthering heights is, her song is a closer representation to the idea world version of wuthering heights if you know what i mean? because according to plato, everything, even if someone invents it, has an inherent “essence” that is the core essence of that idea, a perfect version of it. like the “idea world version”. so if i make a chair, there is inside that chair an essence of what im trying to do with that chair, and someone else can get it and make something closer to the essence of what i did. at least that is how I see his theory. but maybe the kate bush song is just a more concentrated, highly packed version of the same essence that is in the book, but nevertheless that is super impressive and impactful. and not only the song but how she tells the story with her little dance moves in the MV, its really telling the core of the story and communicating the whole vibe, everything, with so little. i love her so much she is such a great artist, not just as a singer but like a performance artist. and that she wrote it as a teenager is crazy. well i guess thats why everyone loves that song and dance !! i am rambling …. i dont know if its possible to understand anything the way i am explaining it now but i wont have the patience to go back and read it and fix it im sorry im sick, i hope its readable. if not just enjoy the pictures from an old wuthering heights film adaption
I am lying on the floor listening to the Francois Hardy album with the cover of her with a flower in her mouth. I’m not really listening but it is playing in the background. I have been lying here for like half an hour just staring up into the ceiling and thinking, thinking thinking thinking… ever since I came home from work.
All my memories are in the room with me and they are dancing around me but I don’t mind them I should lift my whisky glass and salute them. I am drinking my whisky with ice lately because there is a heat wave in Sthlm and it is a tropical heat even in the night time. But the ice cubes have a nice sound to them and I love rattling them around it ”sparks joy” for me so to speak…
I love lying on the floor. Rokko once joked he was waiting for me to lie down on the floor because i always do when I arrive at Paulas place. Idk why it’s just nice to be close to the ground also I guess I appreciate the change of perspective and not having to relate to any piece of furniture. Also I think one thinks better on the floor. I am in my bikini because I wear it under my clothes when I work because when I get off I sometimes go for a night swim, because it is so warm and you get really sweaty and it’s close to the water. Tonight I didn’t tho because I didn’t bring a towel. So I have to rinse off in a cool shower. Also I feel like I am covered in cobwebs because I biked through the park. Also… there is a huge moth in my apartment but I don’t know what to do about it. I kind of like moths they are so cute. They are actually cuter than butterflies when you think about it, which I am doing now…
Now the song Voila came on and I really love that one. I am looking around the apartment which is basically one big room and today me and Susanna talked about how your home and how you keep it is really symbolic for what is also inside you and how you keep yourself, like there is something psychologically symbolic about it and I kind of psycho analysed her from her home. My home is really beautiful and personal I think and I love every thing and piece of furniture I have but I haven’t put anything up on the walls so some things are standing very just temporarily around. It’s like I don’t want to commit to any decision right now until I know it’s exactly the right decision, if I put a hammer to the nails and put something in the wall, I gotta know it’s the perfect, the IDEAL place for it. So that’s what’s going on with me I guess. I think it’s a good thing I have become more careful and mindful of my decisions.
Also I think I have become a nudist, at least when it comes to swimming, I only want to go swimming in nature naked, is that weird?? But I think it also has to do with that I hate tan lines. I detest them. I am on a mission to get an evenly suntanned butt. So now I go to these secluded cliff places by a lake that Ella showed me and there are other naked people on other cliffs but everyone keeps respectful distance. We all respect the need to be naked in the sun by a lake.
I wish I could describe the feeling that I have right now but I can’t. I think it’s really good but it’s also kind of scary but I also feel calm in a way? I think I am being reborn every day
In a minute I will go and take a shower and go to bed and fall asleep and sleep and it will be so nice. But first some more floor time
hellooo. i am writing from a very windy and rainy sthlm. it has been very windy here lately and the winds make everyone very angry and irritable. ella asked me what i thought the worst thing about windyness was, i said 1) the resistance 2) it gets very rubbishy because all this trash starts flying around that is usually hiding in the corner so there is like trash flying around everywhere and its not nice. Ellas worst thing was the sound in the ears from the wind.
but everyone gets totally crazy from the wind, did u know there are different famous evil winds across the worlds that are known to increase crimes and suicide rates and mental illness?? “For example, central European countries have Foehns, dry southerly winds blowing over the Alps and associated with ‘Föhnkrankheit’ and increased suicide. Similarly, psychological distress has been reported to be related to winds like Santa Ana (California), Hamsin (Middle East), Mistral (southern France) and Sirocco (Italy).” (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4543179/)
As you can hear, they all have pretty evil names, I think the Mistral in France sounds the scariest, but also “Foehns” that cause “Föhnkrankheit”, whatever that is. I do not like the sound of that, at all. Hamsin sounds pretty bad too, Sirocco is just a really good name for a horse and Santa Ana = slutty.
apparently there is almost no scientific research on the effects of these winds on the mental health but someone should really do it.
on thursday it was a storm. as my friends were texting stuff i saw a tree fall down behind my house through my window. the storm was kind of exciting when hiding away inside and not going anywhere, although one person got injured because a tree fell on him in the park. but i dont think anyone died. the day after i saw fallen trees all over town, it was like half of all trees had broken and there were trees lying all over the place. and i was walking in the cemetary and took these pics of a huge fallen birch tree.
i am lying on my bed rn looking out at the trees outside my window and i see a deer and i am drinking a tall glass of elderflower lemonade that i made myself the other day. i am tired and restless. the elderflower bloomed a week ago, and thats when i picked them. there is like a calendar of intoxicating scents, first, in spring, there is the lilacs and the bird cherry (hägg, i had to google the english word).. then there is the blackthorn, then there is the jasmine and then there is the elderflower, and soon i think its time for honeysuckle or have i missed it? i hope not
i have a bike! i had firmly decided on not getting a bike even though all my friends said i should, for the summer, because every time i get a bike it gets stolen so it kind of started feeling like no point. but then my line on the metro was cancelled due to maintenance the whole summer so i had to… i had forgot it really agrees with me, its kind of like micro dosing alone-time all throughout the day and night. but i dislike cyclists who think they are cars and behave like it, there are many serious cyclists like that here. stop thinking you are a car
one thing i dont like with going by bike is that it kind of fucks a little bit with my mysterious vibe. it is like the least mysterious mode of transportation. well well sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do…. born to step out of a horse and carriage, forced to go by bike
this summer i NEED to get a drivers license. got to lock in. i cant wait to drive a god damn car!!!! i feel like that is when life will start (jk).. i am hereby manifesting my drivers license at the end of this summer. now i have to sleep because i couldnt sleep last night and only slept for two hours.
btw thank you for your questions and talking to me
