stevie knickers

2025-09-30

Hello hello hello! I am alive. Barely. Fall entered with a huge reality check sandwich that is choking me from the inside. But actually, I have been trying to stop living in my delusional dream world for a while now. It is a work in progress. 

Why is it so hard to live in the Real World. Why is it so hard to wakey wakey? When will I become a Real Person????

Lately I have been pretty stressed out. Had a new life crisis. Bought small post its and sharpie pens. I hope the post its will fix my Life. I write everything I need to do on them and list them according to urgency in three different categories. I think it is working. 

Everyone is stressed and everyone is feeling bad. I feel like I haven’t seen my friends in weeks, and I miss them. Only Ella is good right now I think. Susanna lost her whole bag and her computer and her diary and sketch books and I am really impressed how she handled it actually it was truly inspiring. But I haven’t been that fun to be around lately. I have been plagued by enormous self doubt and a huge fear that my life will amount to nothing and that I am not able to do what I need to do or make the changes I need to make. I wish I was better at practical things. I also wish I didn’t have to work so much now that Im doing my last year at my BFA. But the post its kind of works I think. Also I think I have been pretty hard on myself with project Real World. 

Anyways…..

Me and my friends talked about something when I saw them like three lifetimes ago. We talked about that, when you really like someone, you kind of cant picture their face?? It’s like when you are not with them, you cant see in your head what they look like. It’s like when you are actually near them, the senses are overwhelmed by taking in every little thing and all the parts really intensely so afterwards you can’t really see it as a whole. Because the whole is obscured by the impressions of the parts. And that’s why you want to look at pictures of them all the time and have to go look in your phone because you need to see what they look like because you actually don’t know or at least your brain doesn’t know how to describe it to you because it is so overwhelmed. Do you know what I mean??

Anyways

Anyways 

Anyways 

I hope u are well <3

Comments(6)

2025-09-22

everything I got today at the market in Jerevan

A metal chain belt with round ornamental shields

Tea with mountain herbs and flowers

Armenian wooden cross made by a woodworker, to put over my bed

A holder for incense and charcoal, shaped like a pomegranate

Incense

Charcoal

A small wooden bowl and spoon for salt

Wooden spatula, ladle and fork

Mountain thyme and mountain mint to make special tea from, called ”urts darts”

Comments(7)

2025-08-12

Translation:

-It’s like coming into the forest from another direction.
-What forest?
-Love… You come into the forest from a new direction every time, for every new person that you love.
You see the old trees in a new light.
And you see new trees, and you see more and more trees.
You dream of one day finally seeing the whole forest.

This is from the swedish film Love 65 by Bo Widerberg, he (Bo Widerberg) also wrote the script. I just think this analogy with the forest is so true, its something I have been thinking about but never been able to put into words so it really struck me. That really is how it feels

theres this big field in stockholm called Gärdet and apparently there is a tradition of people gathering on a day every year and flying kites there, to recreate a scene in the movie. I didn’t know this. This tradition was started by students at the art school Im going to and this year was the 60 year anniversary, so it must have started same year as the film came out (in -65). I only found out this year, and I wanted to make a kite with my friends and go to this thing but didn’t have time cause it was the same weekend as the play I was in premiered.

maybe next year. I wonder if its hard to make a kite. I want my kite to be playing card-inspired.

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2025-07-28

i am home and sick which i have been for the last couple of days 🙁 i am lying on my bed listening to summertime sadness by lana… vibes. i think i got sick because i have been working like a london child during the industrial revolution for the last 7 days. my room is full of vases with dead flowers, candles, books and hair pins. at least today I dont have a fever! but i kind of miss the fever tbh.. was kind of vibing with being delirious and drifting in and out of sleep. also having a fever always makes me feel like im in wuthering heights. i love wuthering heights. there are so many movie adaptions of it, but like a month ago me and ella watched the one with Ralph Fiennes and Juliette Binoche and I think its the best one. it doesnt shy away from how fucking dark the story gets. and how its about two really selfish and twisted mentally ill mfs. wuthering heights is sooo emo, like Emily Bronte was sooo emo goth girl, the whole story is like a fantasy of HOW evil your bf would get if you died because he loves you so much. im just kidding its so much more than that but its deffo a big aspect of it, its also really so much about power, humiliation, possessiveness, class, etc… i had a really great theater experience with a swedish theater group called poste restante that put up their own verison of it called wuthering wuthering heights here in sthlm and it was amazing bc it was like you were at a wuthering heights convention almost and they really had highlighted the kind of power play / S&M /BDSM aspect of wuthering heights, you could partake in acting out different scenes from the story and wish what you wanted to explore in the scene and who you wanted to be, i got to be cathy and feed heathcliff a berry like he was a dog and humiliate him in front of my “husband”, some people got to be buried in a coffin, or be cathy when she is dying and cant leave her bed and heathcliff has his freakout. it was great. the one scene i wished for was being either cathy or heathcliff playing on the moor, it was the only happy scene, and me and this other person lay on the “moor” and fake fog was everywhere and we had on headphones and listened to the same song, it was a slowed down and reverbed version of kate bush’s wuthering heights, and we were cathy and heathcliff, and we were lying next to each other and playing with our hands in the fog. it was the last time they were happy. made me cry.. i love in wuthering heights when cathy says “whatever souls are made of, his and mine are of the same stuff”. and when she says something like “my love for linton is like foliage in the trees, time will change it im sure. but my love for heathcliff are like the eternal rocks beneath. Nelly, I AM HEATHCLIFF” … and also when heathcliff asks cathy to haunt him…. also….

also we got to go in a costume room and put on whatever we wanted and i found this really great nightgown and a bonnet, and then they taught us all the moves to kate bush’s dance in the wuthering heights musicvideo and we all went in a room that was filled with fog and they played the song really loud and everyone danced the dance!!!

i was so into it cause i love both the book and the song and music video as well as the book wuthering heights. and like, the song, that kate bush wrote when she was only like 17, made me get the concept of Plato and his “world of ideas” or forms. which i had never really accepted until then, i really rejected that idea. but then, when i discovered kate bush and her song, after i had read the book in high school, i finally got it. because, like okay: so emily bronte came up with this story, she invented it, its her idea. and i love the book. but once the idea of that story is born, is out in the world. and then kate bush approaches that idea, and she makes this song – and her song actually comes closer to the essence of what wuthering heights is, her song is a closer representation to the idea world version of wuthering heights if you know what i mean? because according to plato, everything, even if someone invents it, has an inherent “essence” that is the core essence of that idea, a perfect version of it. like the “idea world version”. so if i make a chair, there is inside that chair an essence of what im trying to do with that chair, and someone else can get it and make something closer to the essence of what i did. at least that is how I see his theory. but maybe the kate bush song is just a more concentrated, highly packed version of the same essence that is in the book, but nevertheless that is super impressive and impactful. and not only the song but how she tells the story with her little dance moves in the MV, its really telling the core of the story and communicating the whole vibe, everything, with so little. i love her so much she is such a great artist, not just as a singer but like a performance artist. and that she wrote it as a teenager is crazy. well i guess thats why everyone loves that song and dance !! i am rambling …. i dont know if its possible to understand anything the way i am explaining it now but i wont have the patience to go back and read it and fix it im sorry im sick, i hope its readable. if not just enjoy the pictures from an old wuthering heights film adaption

now i guess i should calm down and try to sleep

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