stevie knickers

hi how are you? i hope you, whoever are reading this, are good, rested and warm and that you can rest and get some energy for the new year we have ahead of us.
i have now seen almost all the seasons in this forest, the forest that is the path between me and my bf. the only season I havent seen here is now spring. I cant wait.
i dont know how 2025 was for you, but for me it was a really intense and transformative year, like introspective and also, really existential in so many ways. i feel like it has been like a coming of age-year for me.. i had some really big changes in my life! on the inside, and on the outside. which was all for the better. but change can be really painful sometimes u kno..
it still is existential bc i am thinking a lot of how to survive and support myself doing what I want to do, how to actually live. it is really boring to think of, but i think it is a sign i am becoming a more responsible and grown up person, which, if you have been reading, i have been going on about all year, project real life and all that about killing the manic pixie dream girl inside. i have been working a lot, at so many different jobs, but also working on myself like mentally hehe. i have become aware of my own patterns, which is good, but also painful, and i think i have been pretty hard on myself trying to change them. but it is hard when the very qualities that gets you into trouble is also kind of what makes you alive as a person. ugh i feel like im writing the same blog post all over again every time. all im saying is im trying to find balance i guess.
i think i need a small victory of some sort to get back on track and get my creative confidence back. i kind of fell down in a tunnel of self doubt in the end of the year, i am doing my final year at my BFA at art school and we had this big examination in december that was supposed to be like one part of our project, and i had been working on this really big vessel, and had a little video work with it, and then you had to hold a speech of 7-10 minutes on your work in front of all the teachers and the first- and second-years and your class. I said I am looking for God in all that is beautiful, and that beauty is existential and bla bla bla and also about the element of earth and then my teachers failed me. The reason was they were confused by my speech, they said, especially about the god and beauty existential stuff and it was hard to connect it to my work. Sadly, I handled it terribly. I got very angry, then sad, and started arguing with them. I was like, if i was an artist 100 years ago that talked about searching for God in Beauty, nobody would raise a fucking eyebrow. They said I am using such big words, and such fantastic words and one teacher actualy said “such fantastic worlds, and we cant be a school of fantasticness” (but in swedish, i dont know how to write it better)… Isnt that depressing? Also, the whole ordeal, and my own reaction, made me feel really stupid. It really reminded me of being a child. A child using to big words, that I couldnt make myself be understood, It made me feel naive and stupid. It makes me wonder how I come across. And then when I become upset, I feel even more childish. And I guess that was painful to me because I have been thinking so much about being an Adult. Also, of course it is painful when you are talking from your heart about why you are even doing art and are being vulnerable and then your teachers say they can’t see that in your work.. also, i was a bit over-worked and tired.
I am not a child, but I am, in this situation, a student. So I just have to hear them out and listen to what they say so I can get my degree and finish school and then I can say and do whatever I want. All i have to do to pass is change my speech. Anyways, I think it is smarter to take out the God and Beauty stuff because to some people, and especially of certain generations, those words are very charged, and they get super hung up on them. Another teacher at my school recently said that Beauty is the most taboo word in the art-world right now. Bla bla bla. I need to get back up on the horsie and try to learn from this failure, and now after some weeks of rest, reading, laying in my bfs bath tub and watching lord of the rings i think I am ready for that. my favourite character in LOTR is arwens dad Elrond, I think he is funny but also a really good dad and father in law to Aragorn. My favourite scene in all the movies is when Elrond gives Aragorn the sword (erendir?) and then makes him go into the mountain to get that OP ghost army that are cursed. i am sorry for not writing for a while and sorry for rambling as usual when i do, but its my blog I can do what i want to. how was your 2025 and what are your hopes and dreams for 2026? lots of love from snowy sthlm