stevie knickers

Hello hello hello! I am alive. Barely. Fall entered with a huge reality check sandwich that is choking me from the inside. But actually, I have been trying to stop living in my delusional dream world for a while now. It is a work in progress. 

Why is it so hard to live in the Real World. Why is it so hard to wakey wakey? When will I become a Real Person????

Lately I have been pretty stressed out. Had a new life crisis. Bought small post its and sharpie pens. I hope the post its will fix my Life. I write everything I need to do on them and list them according to urgency in three different categories. I think it is working. 

Everyone is stressed and everyone is feeling bad. I feel like I haven’t seen my friends in weeks, and I miss them. Only Ella is good right now I think. Susanna lost her whole bag and her computer and her diary and sketch books and I am really impressed how she handled it actually it was truly inspiring. But I haven’t been that fun to be around lately. I have been plagued by enormous self doubt and a huge fear that my life will amount to nothing and that I am not able to do what I need to do or make the changes I need to make. I wish I was better at practical things. I also wish I didn’t have to work so much now that Im doing my last year at my BFA. But the post its kind of works I think. Also I think I have been pretty hard on myself with project Real World. 

Anyways…..

Me and my friends talked about something when I saw them like three lifetimes ago. We talked about that, when you really like someone, you kind of cant picture their face?? It’s like when you are not with them, you cant see in your head what they look like. It’s like when you are actually near them, the senses are overwhelmed by taking in every little thing and all the parts really intensely so afterwards you can’t really see it as a whole. Because the whole is obscured by the impressions of the parts. And that’s why you want to look at pictures of them all the time and have to go look in your phone because you need to see what they look like because you actually don’t know or at least your brain doesn’t know how to describe it to you because it is so overwhelmed. Do you know what I mean??

Anyways

Anyways 

Anyways 

I hope u are well <3